Mental Health

Today is #BellLetsTalk day - a day to raise awareness of, and fund for mental health concerns.


As individuals, and as a society, we often have a difficult time addressing health concerns that are not visible.  We think that if we cannot see something, it isn't there. This plays an especially big role in the field of mental illness, where things can easily be overlooked or mislabelled.


Those of us walking around with chronic conditions and disabilities that are 'invisible' can be especially susceptible to the mental illnesses that come along with them. I am thinking especially of depression and anxiety.


Even when I am well, I go through periods of anxiety when I can't help but wonder no if, but when I will get sick again. Will it be tomorrow? Will it be next week when I have plans with a friend? Is it right now?! It can be easy to work myself up wondering. I also go through periods of minor depression when I am not feeling well. Sometimes things can seem quite bleak, and I wonder when I will feel okay again. I feel sorry for myself. I long to feel well and can even get jealous of people that don't have to worry about whether they'll be dizzy or not tomorrow.


I am much more susceptible to this when I have a couple days in a row of feeling 'off' - and today happens to be one of those days. It is day two of feeling off kilter, and for the last few months I have been off kilter a lot. It takes away from the joy I feel in life, and leaves me nervous about making plans. I have written about these things before, but as mental health is top of mind today, I felt motivated to say them again.


Mental health is inexplicably linked to physical health, which can easily create a downward spiral. I physically feel poorly, which makes me sad and anxious and less than joyful mentally, which may just make me feel worse physically. I obviously have not found a great way out of this spiral, but working to maintain perspective certainly helps. I can work full time. I am physically active. I volunteer regularly. I have lots of great relationships. And yet, all of those things can feel blurry and far away when I am sick.


I must fight to keep perspective, and to keep those things top of mind. Not every day will be a good day, but I cannot allow myself to let the bad days define me.

The ABC’s: Altitude, BodyTalk, Christmas

I have had a good, and interesting, couple of weeks. We’ll start with the B – BodyTalk.

B: If you’ve never heard of BodyTalk, check it out. It is an alternative medicine that strives to work in tandem with other treatments, which I like. It’s all about how our mind, body, and emotions are all connected. While things like this can be a little bit ‘out there’ for me, I always go in with an open mind. The session brought up a lot of emotions (A LOT of emotions!!!), and was quite interesting. We actually didn’t touch on my Meniere’s as much as I thought we might – in fact it barely came up at all. We did talk a bit about coping and acceptance techniques for when I am having a spell – while I am allowed to be frustrated when spells to happen, sometimes I just have to listen to my body and accept the fact that for the next [fill in the blank] hours I am going to be sick, dizzy, and exhausted I’ll be okay. Realizing that there is a difference between acceptance and ‘giving in’ is difficult. I always feel the need to fight my symptoms, even ignore them until I cannot possibly anymore – and maybe that isn’t always the best approach. Taking a deep breath and accepting what is happening to my body might help keep some of the anxiety and tension down that I feel when I am in the throes of a spell. Easier said than done!

A: Last week I was lucky enough to travel through the Rocky Mountains with my boyfriend and one of my best friends form back in Ontario. We had a wonderful week seeing friends and loved ones in Jasper, and then heading to Sun Peaks BC. As we were setting out from Sun Peaks towards home (about an 8 hour drive) I began to feel sick – ‘me’ sick. Off, unsteady, dizzy, and just generally crappy. I cannot help but think that the major change in altitude is to blame – the descent form Sun Peaks is quite major, and while it didn’t seem to affect me on the way UP, by the time we got to the bottom of the valley for the drive home I was just about keeled over in the back seat. I bought some Advil at the gas station we stopped at, thinking at least that might help me relax. I felt better for a little while, only for my symptoms to come roaring back a few kms down the road. This is one of those situations that was particularly frustrating, since we were at the outset of an 8 hour drive, and with me sick that only left my BF to drive the whole way – poor guy. After riding in the front seat for a little while, I started to feel a bit better, and was able to take over the wheel for a little while. By the time we got all the way home to Calgary, I was feeling just about back to normal. Altitude? I can’t help but think so.  Being away also meant that I was not working out or doing yoga regularly, which leaves me feeling crummier than usual – looking forward to getting back into routine.

C: I am excited about Christmas this year – as always! There have been years when family holidays have filled me with dread – what if I’m sick? What if I throw up the wonderfully cooked Christmas dinner? What if I can’t travel to see my relatives? And indeed there have been years where I have had to sleep through Easter dinner, or sit propped up in a chair enjoying nothing but Ginger Ale and Gravol on Boxing Day. I like to think that those years are mostly behind me though, and that having being symptom free much of the time now bodes well. Again, should I be sick on Christmas, or during my trip back to Ontario,  I will just have to breathe deep and accept that…. but I am thinking positive thoughts and as always, hoping for symptom free days!!

Results!

Well I have completed my 5 weeks of boot camp (including the make-up session!), and am feeling good. I’m not entirely where I would like to be, but in a short month I took of 6” from my overall measurements, and lost about 7 lbs – I am proud!! I wish that I could afford to been continuing on with Booty Camp, but alas I cannot right now. Hopefully in the new year I will be able to commit to and afford a full 8 week session.

I do feel stronger – certainly in the core, and legs as well. While I have not been eating perfectly, I am eating ‘more aware’, and that certainly makes a difference. I am drinking more water, and eating less ‘junk’. I am looking forward to continuing to use my at home DVD provided, and enjoying my yoga practice. Thanks for giving me the butt-kicking I needed, Booty Camp! It truly was a great environment to work out it – guided by a personable instructor, surrounded by supportive women working towards their goals, and challenging in an ongoing manner.

I am still tired – for me this is the hardest part. I can remember what it was like when I was younger and had much more energy, but I have always been a ‘tired’ person, especially since I started experiencing Meniere’s symptoms. Just the other day I felt so wiped out – I could have gently closed my eyes at my desk and nodded off. This despite the fact that I had gotten 9 hours of sleep the night before, was well fed and started by day with a cup of caffeinated tea. I am fairly certain that I do not have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, as I don’t seem to have many of the other symptoms, or if I do they are things that I attribute to MD (That being said, I did have mono when I was 19 and did not know until 6 months later. I just thought I was really tired. Am I a masochist?). I maintain that it is an effect of my MD that makes me so very tired at times, and I have yet to find anything that helps with this. I take vitamins, eat fairly well and follow all of the ‘rules’ for sleep, including going to bed around the same time every night, sleeping in a dark room etc etc.

For some reason this particular symptom, this agonizing fatigue, is at times more challenging to me than the dizziness, nausea, or tinnitus.  Perhaps that is because it really impairs my ability to feel ‘normal’, to feel like myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. There is no way that these feelings can be normal – I am quite sure that if everyone was walking around feeling this tired and this foggy all of the time, nothing would ever get accomplished in our world. This is not to say that I do not have drive, ambition and even, at times, energy, but that this heavy, weighty fatigue seems to overshadow that a great deal of the time. It can hinder my concentration, and really push the limits of my day. I greatly appreciate when I have good days when I am not particularity tired, or when I am able to push through the heavy eye lids and brain fog. I am working on accepting those days that I am just too tired to be myself – I have to tell myself that I am not failing, slacking or being lazy. I have a medical condition… but even when my brain will accept that, my heart just does not want to sometimes.

Zero Energy Increase

I had to miss my second-to-last boot camp session on Wednesday as I was sick. I wasn’t quite normal person sick, and not quite having a spell – somewhere in the middle! Major headache, loud tinnitus, a bit nauseous, and just generally crummy. I am recovering, but still not feeling great two days later. Sigh.

I was thinking while home feeling unwell, how despite my regular workouts and generally healthy eating, I haven’t been feeling any increase in energy. This is one thing that I long for, and it seems although despite getting lots of sleep, drinking lots of water, eating well and working out, my energy levels just do not increase. This may be due to my low blood pressure level, but when I do have it measured, it is never so far below normal as to cause concern. I have at various times lowered the dose of my diuretic in the hopes that it would affect my blood pressure less, leading to higher level of energy, but it did not make a difference in my energy levels.

The other factor that makes us Meniere’s folks tired it the extra effort required to keep us steady and focused all day. Spells knock us out, and personally I can (and have!) slept for up to 18 hours at a time when I have or am recovering from a spell. I have read that this is because our brains have to work so much harder to keep us going when we’re sick – even if it’s just getting up to stumble to the bathroom to throw-up, we have to work really hard just to make it there! It makes sense to me that this happens on a day-to-day basis as well – the seemingly small bit of effort that it takes to ignore the tinnitus, re-celebrate if I’m feeling dizzy, keep my eyes focused if I’m feeling dizzy (extra challenging when you already wear glasses with a -8.5 prescription!), fight the brain fog and basically act ‘normal’ even if I’m not feeling normal, is sure to add up over the course of a day. I’m tired just thinking about it!

I will continue my search for a good energy solution. I am going for a ‘BodyTalk’ session in the next couple of weeks, and while I approach most alternative medicine with what I believe to be a healthy dose of skepticism, I look forward to new possibilities for treatment and management of my condition, as well as anything that can help make my life better, even in a small way. For today, that will be a glass of wine after work, and maybe some pizza for dinner! Aka – being thankful for the small things!

Still Sloshing

After a couple more sessions of boot camp, I am still enjoying it. Starting to feel stronger, and enjoying it. I know that results will take some time, but damn I wish they could be more immediate! I think I may have lost a couple of pounds so far, but my butt still looks the same, and my clothes still fit the same… but I am sure the results are coming. I’ve done a couple of the at home work-outs as well, which are great. However, the last one I tried was jump-rope oriented.  Not so great for someone trying to avoid lots of jumping!! Since I was at home, and hence safe if I started to feel really ‘off’, I tried the 'Bounce 'n Burn' and I pushed through the whole workout (okay, it's only 20 minutes. But it's intense!). I’m proud of myself, and I made it through the workout and did my best to focus on the training, not the sloshing. I’ve been noticing more tinnitus lately, but I can’t say for sure if it’s the jumping, or the weather changing (it is fall!), or something else entirely.

During the 'in person' workouts, it seems that the higher my heart rate goes, the more ‘sloshing’ there is in my ears when I jump.  I am able to change the jumping exercises so that I am still working, but not jumping. My removing the jumping I am not doing something quite as high impact, which from a fitness perspective leaves me feeling frustrated, but better a little frustrated than dizzy I suppose.

There isn’t a whole lot of info out there regarding exercise and Meniere’s. Personally, I generally think that being physically active is a good thing (duh?). Growing up as a competitive swimmer, this is simply what I know. I have been active all of my life, and until a couple of years ago, very fit. When my Meniere’s symptoms first started, I was still swimming; sometimes I could not help but think that all of those flip turns finally caught up with me! It does not seem to make much of a difference to my symptoms no matter where my fitness level is at, which I find interesting. Exercise does help to decrease and manage stress, which can leads to less MD symptoms. That’s about the only connection I have been able to make so far – besides the jumping and sloshing connection, of course. Stay tuned – I am looking forward to when the ‘increased energy’ results of my fitness regime kick in – hoping that that can overpower the ‘sleepies’ that I get related to MD!

Booty Camp

Apparently I don’t have much to say about Meniere’s Disease lately – which is a good thing! I have been feeling good, for the most part. I’ve had a few off days here and there, but those are expected, especially as the weather changes.

I have decided to fill some of this space with my journey back to fitness- since it does come with unique MD related anecdotes! Last week I started boot camp with a great (Canadian!) company called ‘Booty Camp Fitness’. This all female boot camp style training claims to help participants drop fat and inches during the 4 or 8 week program. I am basically just looking for someone or something to kick me back into shape, and help me to incorporate fitness into my daily life again.

The first week was hard – walking was tough for the next couple of days! I did manage an at home work-out over the weekend, as well, which felt good. It is nice to feel my muscles sore – I know I’ve been using them! The next class is tonight, so wish me luck.

I notice that doing interval style training can throw me off a little bit; the whole purpose of this style is to spike participant’s heart rate for short bursts. For someone that has particularity low blood pressure (thanks to my diuretic), this kind of spike can be uncomfortable, and cause head rushes and a general off balance feeling.  I try to keep upright and moving as much as I can – laying/sitting down and standing up again quickly can compound these feelings. There is also quite a bit of jumping incorporated into the moves, which I find makes my head ‘slosh’ around a bit. I will have to find the line between working hard enough to help achieve the goals that I want, while not pushing myself so hard I feel unwell. The instructor knows about my condition, and I have taken all of the precautions that I can – I cannot let my MD keep me from fitness any longer!

The folks at Booty Camp give out a work-out DVD as well as a booklet to help track goals and monitor progress. I find this really helpful – I came up with a list of 25 wants/goals and some specific number based goals, as well. Currently I am signed up just for the 4 week program, but am already thinking that I will extend it to the full 8 week program – I deserve it.

I am already looking forward to not be able to walk tomorrow – yay for sore muscles!

UEP - Challenge #2

A post for the second challenge of the Urban Exposure Project with United Way Calgary. Learn more here.

Challenge #2 – On Family  

This first picture is of a rose that I brought back from Ontario with me after my grandmother’s funeral a couple of years ago. My grandma was a gardener, and for her eulogy I wrote a poem about how a garden is reflective of our journeys in life, including those we share with our family. I am not biologically related to this side of my family (more on that below) but she was the only grandma I will ever know, and I will always cherish my memories of her. Obviously I played with this picture in Photoshop, and now cannot find the original – oops!

This second photo is of my ‘brother’ James and his son – we were rafting the Athabasca River last summer. Like my dad, James has cystic fibrosis. Also like my dad, James and his wife chose to have children using an anonymous sperm donor. I did not find out that my dad is not biologically my father until I was 22 – this totally shook up my world, and was a very difficult thing to come to terms with for a huge variety of reasons. Just a few months after I found out this information about my own family, I met James and his. The first time we sat down and had a conversation I was bawling my eyes out – the pain was so new still that I had a difficult time even thinking about it, let alone discussing it. My relationship with James and his family has evolved, and we have become and continue to be valuable resources and friends – well, more like family. The bonds of blood may be strong, but sometimes I think that the bonds of this shared experience and circumstance can be even stronger.  

My final picture is of sushi – weird, right? Well, up in Jasper there is a tiny sushi restaurant run by an amazing sushi chef, Mr. Oka. To make a long story short, this place has transitioned form being a restaurant, to a ‘happy place’ to a family for me. We have a close knit group that we all refer to as our ‘sushi family’ – these are people that I know I can always count on, who will be there for me through anything, and who I will always have a place with. The 7 of us are planning a trip to Japan together next year, when we will visit Oka-San’s hometown and meet his extended family. I don’t know that I have ever been so excited for a trip!

This is fairly long – I guess I like words as much as photos most of the time! To sum up in one quick phrase: family is what you make it.